LIME » Satire

Source of Earthquakes Found

Rainer — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 00:52:00 +0000

(Tehran/Atlanta) Accordong to a leading Iranian hard-line cleric the source of the recent earthquakes has been found out and isolated to “Women who dress provocatively and tempt people into promiscuity [are to blame for earthquakes]“. The statement is proven true as recent earthquakes have struck especially promiscuous countries such as Haiti, Chile and China.

CNN continues to deliver more shocking news.

Steve Jobs Requests Raise

Rainer — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 23:56:36 +0000

(CUPERTINO) After successful product launch of the iPad on last Saturday when 300 000 were devices sold on the first day, the CEO of Apple (AAPL), Steve Jobs, approached the board of directors today before the iPhone OS 4.0 special media event, requesting a raise of two times of the adjusted to the average inflation since his return to Apple.
If approved it would mean a 5.64% raise to his annual salary of $1 bringing it up to 1,06 USD per annum.
Jobs is backing up his request with his track record of successful product launches starting on 1998 withe the introduction of original iMac. Other successful product launches include the iPod and the iPhone.
The Board of Directors has called in an emergency meeting to process this request. If taking place the increased salary would be subtracted from the dividend of Apple shares and the hit would be spread between the owners. Though the request was presented during time of tough global economic turmoil and not during timed for end of Apple’s fiscal year the board is expected to approve this decision.

LIME follows the development of the situation and will continue to communicate the events to it’s readers.

More accurate news from the NY Times or the MacWorld.

Disclaimer: The author holds insignificant amount of Apple shares

Easter Bunny Brings Religions Together

Rainer — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 15:03:35 +0000

(GOLGOTHIA) Easter is one of the only common cerebration for all three religions rejoining them through Easter Bunny: The christians celebrate how the death of Easter Bunny, Jesús, makes martyrdom possible for anyone, the jewish celebrate slaughtering the Easter Bunny and the muslims celebrate how their profit Muhammed lived longer and more prosperously than Easter Bunny.
The christians’ competition for “Martyr of the Year” was started already with a strong entrance from the Catholic church where the Pope’s representative, pontiff Raniero Cantalamessa, compared the sexual abuse allegations to the mass murder of jews in the second world war.

The holy rabbit of christians was killed nearly 2000 years ago after it was diagnosed of being contaminated with a rare subset of rabies that causes delusional thoughts of compassion and understanding.

During Easter the three religions join forces against common sense, regaining family values and honor. All three religions agree that they are the only ones with right for a piece of desert they all claim as holy land and agree to continue fighting for it in the future.

More accurate news from Al Jazeera

Billions Promised for Whole New Haiti

Rainer — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 02:39:32 +0000

(UTOPIA) The UN donors conference on Wednesday promised billions to rebuild shaken Haiti.
EU promised relief package of 1.2 billion euros and world’s biggest economy, United States, promised “over 850 million dollars to match EU’s offer”. Too bad the economists mixed the € and $ signs when calculating the conversion.
According to UN over 8.5 billion Euros is required to rebuild Haiti.

According to the 10 year plan unilaterally planned on the conference the plan is not to just fix the damage, but to build a “whole new Haiti” the planning committee describes. The relief for “Whole New Haiti” program will come with a condition where Haiti is required to modernize it’s governmental culture and privatize currently government maintained services such as transportation, electricity, water services, healthcare, social services, schools and government.
“Essentially Haiti will become a better democracy through privatization in accordance with the IMF guidelines. Haiti will become the new paradise. Imagine an affordable holiday resort with minimal governmental control where the hotel and business owners are not penalized and unnecessarily controlled“, the 10 year plan spokesperson Adam Smith explains, “cheap labor, no taxes, they all contribute for better holiday experience”.
The committees plan is to build a model state which will rise like a phoenix following the “Cameronian model”.
“It will be a modern paradise!”.

Somali Pirate Chief Reveals their Business Model

Rainer — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 22:59:37 +0000

(MÊLÉE ISLAND) Somali Pirate chief reveals their business model exclusively™ to LIME. The interviewed pirate chief is kept anonymous for his security
“A [basic piracy] operation requires planning, money and patience. To successfully capture a ship requires more than just peg-legged men in a boat with guns and parrots on their shoulders. A minimum of eight to twelve units of militia are required to stay at sea in alert for extended periods of time to keep an eye on a vessel suitable for hijacking. Due to the nature of expense this kind of operation requires we’re constantly trying to find a suitable headcount balance capable of hijacking a cargo ship while still not negatively affecting on our coverage or SLA.
A team requires facilities and tools. A basic minimum requirement would be two attack skiffs per team with the required boarding equipment, provisions, fuel and weapons. In addition we normally try to include a supply boat. The costs of starting an operation like this are quite high and generally covered by a group of investors, of whom some may also be pirates. Taking into account the risk involved on an invest like this the investors are granted a relative valued “A-shares” of any profit and the investment expenses are paid before the profit it shared between the shareholders.

To acquire a role of a pirate the applicant, volunteer, should already possess the basic arms used in the operation. For contributing skills and tools this role is rewarded with an A-share. If a pirate can provide also heavy firearms such as a bazooka, RPG launcher or a heavy machine gun the provider is rewarded with an additional A-share. First one to board the hijacked ship is generally also granted with an additional share.

In addition to the pirates militiamen are required. Usually round 12-15 men. The militia are recruited to provide protection on land and each member may also bring a friend or a partner for added protection on land. Like pirates, the militiamen need to supply their own weapons and ammunition. Each individual of the militia is rewarded with a fixed valued “B-share”.

A successful hijack is not the end of the expenses on an operation. The pirates, militiamen and the captured crew require food, drink, clothing, medicine, and basic facilities. Additional expenses would include contacting the owner of the ship, mobile phones, cameras and video editing facilities, etc. Generally these services are outsourced and provided by one or more suppliers. The suppliers provide their services either by cash on demand or, more often, through a bill and interest upon the team receiving the ransom. The suppliers also generally increase their prices through the operation.
A special attention is placed on the captured crew to avoid negative PR: according to a research the general public stays much more understanding towards the hijackings as long as the crew is kept alive and well. As long as the only breaking headline is a captured vessel the operations can go on and wont draw too much attention.

When the ransom is received the fixed costs are deducted. Fixed costs include typically reimbursement for the suppliers, return of invest to the investors, which may be as high as third of the ransom, anchoring rights subtraction to the local elders and the B-class shares. A-shareholders share the remainder of the profit.

The existing model grants suitable ROI for the investors while still keeping the staff motivated to take part in future ventures.”

Federal “Death Squads” in Operation

Rainer — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:21:34 +0000

(WASHINGTON) The Federal “death squads” were released today and are now hunting for pensioners and unborn babies all across United States. The death squads are the first phase of President Obama’s healthcare reform bill that will lead to annihilation of American Way of Life™ by regulating the insurance industry and forbidding the companies to deny coverage because of pre-existing conditions or from cancelling policies when a policyholder becomes ill. The bill would also grant subsidies to help families with lower incomes to pay their premiums.

“Today’s vote allows us finally sieve and abort the non-communistic children and eliminate the elderly sucking the life out of our system”, President Obama, who placed his presidency at stake for the reform, said at the White House just before midnight while eating his placenta steak surrounded by his posse of Zionistic Masonries.

The Republicans party members and vigilant volunteers have tried to warn the oblivious citizens of the coming massacre and obliteration quoted as “Chrystal Night”, by recommending them to burn crosses dressed in white capes chanting “vade retro nigrum”, but most of the party members daring to approach the Senate were either mind controlled away or killed with mustard gas. According to the Republican media representative Mr. Fox, the Democratic controlled media has deliberately misunderstood this as calling the president as a “negger” and is claiming no knowledge of mind controlling or organized slaughter of Republicans.

OSCE, with the lead of EU countries, has followed the electoral process with similar concern as during the late 2008 elections.

More accurate news from Al Jazeera: US passes landmark healthcare bill

The Police — now in internet

Rainer — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:38:27 +0000

(STING) The ~~Gesta~~… ~~Sta~~… ~~Moss~~… ~~Federa~~… Finnish Police launched today so called Red Button alert system. The goal of the system is to reduce the threshold and and to increase the reporting activity of “suspicious material” in the internet.
In practice the system is a webform which allows anyone, including, but not limited to individuals, companies, and organizations to report material they think might be illegal, criminal, suspicious or that might be preparing to be one of the afore mentioned.
The site is also offering a button in Web1.5 spirit that any webmaster can add to their sites and hyperlink it to the official police webform, naturally the oblivious link clicker subject to ActiveX holes doesn’t have a guarantee this will be the actual police form.
The form, that’s been worked on since 2008, though by the looks since previous millennium, sends an email to the central criminal police who decided to: take action, not to take action, or not to take action and forwards it to the local police who can choose to take action or not to take action or forwards it to central police for further investigation.
“The police has to be where the people are. We need to secure the security in the internet in the same way like in the streets. Police can only take action after an act of crime has happened and needs everyone to report any suspicious activity. Be vigilant!”, the Chief of Police advices on the PSA sent by the Police.

The Chief of Police reminds the public that even though webform that sends an email is a fast and efficient way to communicate with the police, unless the message gets stuck in a spamfilter, it is not suitable for situations where immediate police assistance is needed. In these cases people should evaluate the situation and call the police or the use the Non-Urgent Crime Form found in the police website.
He also quickly adds that neither of these forms are suitable if the reporter is a target of a crime. In those cases the victim needs to physically approach the local police station, but within the office hours, excluding weekends, public holidays, holiday season and general busy time. Non-criminal issues can be reported through another form also found on the police website, excluding urgent situations, but including non-urgent and important reports.

World News Still Draw General Public’s Attention

Rainer — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 02:11:40 +0000

(STETSON) According to the annual research by Harrison-Stetson Institute the General Public is still quite interested of international news and current affairs.
While the Finnish public was intrigued about the culture and rites of a long term French minority organization (Masonries Reveal Their Secrets in France), supporting the import of less less mainstream foreign artists (“Uncle-Brush” Having Tight Schedule in Finland) and analyzing the long term effects of global warming (Researchers’ Mistakes Have Increased the Climate Confusion), their counterparts in UK were reading about discriminatory airline policies and the effects of social media on them (Kevin Smith Thrown off Southwest Airlines Plane for Being “Too Big”), analyzing the global effects of climate change through political measures (Utah Delivers Vote of No Confidence for “Climate Alarmists”) and about the socio-phychologic effects of new social media fronts (Online Voyeurs Flock to the Random Thrills of Chatroulette).
“The reaction we got of the original survey we started few years back was so good, especially the interest on the methodology we were using, that we decided to expand it to cover multiple fronts. This time we analyzed the reading habits of UK and US population in addition to the Finnish ones and we found out the results are quite alike — people are interested of world news and politics. Especially about climate change”, Harrison Stetson, of the Harrison-Stetson Institute, explained. “Though the US counterparts were also quite interested of the domestic affairs”.
The General Public in US expressed interest on analyzing the effect of religious views of the constitution writers in relation to the modern legislation making process (How Christian Were the Founders?) and on the globe-economical effect of the European Monetary Union’s currency and it’s political effects (The Makings of a Euromess).

On the interview to CB General Public agreed on the in-depth analysis of Harrison-Stetson Institute, but also reminded that “The Olympics is on and you’re standing in front of the TV”, while quickly typing chatroulette’s address to google hoping that facebook would’ve fixed it’s login page this already. “Have you seen the latest photos of the 9-year old samba queen? She’s a bit of a crybaby but boy do I want to see her grow“, General Public concludes the analysis while wiping drool from lips.

In other news a school collapsed in Haiti killing several children and almost 20 people have been killed in a train crash outside Brussels.

Local Man Surprised of Valentines Failure

Rainer — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 17:29:11 +0000

(ANYWHERE) Local Man’s Valentine’s Day surprise turned out to be a surprise for him when it didn’t get the reception he was expecting. “I had prepared the surprise carefully and took care she wouldn’t find out anything before the V-day. Just dropping hints that I had something planned”, Local Man explains, “We spent several evenings in the pub planning this with my mates for her. They all thought it was an excellent idea”.
The surprise consisted of blindfolding Local Man’s girlfriend, who requested with rather strong emphasis to stay anonymous, taking her to Local Man’s local pub where she was greeted by a choir of Local Man and his friend’s singing “Happy Valentine’s Day” roughly in the tune of “Happy Birthday”.
“I feel so disappointed. We put so much effort and planning into this. We even muted the footie and had few pints before to remove the stage fright”, Local Man unravels his feelings after few pints, “I just don’t understand what went wrong”.
Local Man’s girlfriend refused to give any comments before storming out of the pub.

Desperately Seeking Duvalier

Rainer — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:51:40 +0000

(PORT-AU-PRINCE) Upon the recent tragedy in Haiti, the Haiti Reconstruction Coalition, formed as an international venture lead by EU Foreign Affairs and USAID, has started to look for a suitable person to oversee the reconstruction of Haiti. Once again the international attention has concentrated once again to a familiar name in the history of Haiti — Duvalier.
Duvalier’s family has long ties with Haiti and members of the family served the country through political efforts, some even reaching presidency. The first Duvalier to reach this level was François Duvalier, acclaimed doctor and well known for his fight against tropical deceases such as malaria, yaws and typhus, which earned him the nickname “Papa-Doc” — Father Doctor. He was also well known opposition member openly protesting against the 1950 military coup. He was elected as a president of Haiti on a black national platform on 1956 and was succeeded by his son, Jean-Claude, on 1964 who was known for his ambitions for democratic reform through political acts of releasing political prisoners and easing the freedom of press.
“It’s because of these qualities, the history of Haiti and the heritage of the Duvalier family that we thing the modern Duvaliers would be suitable to lead the reconstruction of Haiti”, the spokesperson for Haiti Reconstruction Coalition explains, “We’re confident that the Duvalier family would be more than willing to take the task of taking care of Haiti once more and oversee the new birth of the country with the means of New Millennium approach to Duvalierism”